But first, joy.
April 14th, 2024
I woke up this morning feeling so at ease as the warm sun filled my bedroom. I lingered in this feeling, because it's simply my favorite (if you know, you know).
And the moment I got out of bed, I felt this strong desire to get outside for a walk - the impulse in me said "get outside right this moment!"
...There is something absolutely irresistible to me about early morning light. My inner being just wants to chase it.
But as I felt this deep longing for light and movement, I also met a wave of (all-too-familiar) resistance. The "to do's" of the day came rushing to the front door of my mind. They arrived to remind me that I better get to work.
Get to work so that I can get ahead, so that I don't get behind, so that I don't get overwhelmed.
(To-do's like sending emails, prepping for patients, even tasks like making breakfast and staying on top of my (should be pleasurable) self care).
This resistance emerges from the part of me that still believes her worth comes from her good actions and successes.
She fears that if I follow my joy and go outside for a sunshine walk before productivity, I'll end up behind.
And when I get behind, what emerges within me feels like 1) overwhelm, and 2) shame. These are big feelings.
On the one hand, there's the part of me that longs for sunshine. On the other hand, there's the other part of me that fears the experience of overwhelm and shame if I choose joy first.
But when I step back to take it all in, I feel confident that I'll be able to manage the day's tasks without overwhelm, and that the fear is anticipating something that is very unlikely. The fear is telling an old story.
And so I write some words to the fear while tapping into my heart:
My dear,
you are not behind,
and you never have been.
Your accomplishments,
whether small or big,
do not change the worthiness
that lives in your being.
I will gladly remind you of this
day after day after day.
That you're already good.
So go outside and
drink in the sunshine.
This joy is your birthright.
Joy uplifts, expands, and heals.
There is nothing more productive.
Go receive it.
The things will be there later.
You're not better when you do them,
and you're not worse when you don't.
There's no such thing as "behind" or "ahead;"
your timing is good, and you can't mess it up.
If overwhelm arrives, we'll move through it together.
Go out and choose your joy again
and again
and again.
You are worthy of it
always.
You'll be happy to hear that, after some internal back and forth, I did indeed get outside to enjoy the morning sun. It was worth it.
Here's my invitation to you to choose your joy. The opportunities to do work in this life are endless. Heartbreak and pain are inevitable. So when you see a spark of joy, say yes to it. You are worthy and deserving of joy. I encourage you to go out and find some today.
Rooting for you,
Dr. Savannah